


Letters Send My Heart

by sammyspreadyourwings



Series: Queen Prompts [12]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, HIV/AIDS, Hurt No Comfort, Letters, M/M, Not A Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-17 14:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18100145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sammyspreadyourwings/pseuds/sammyspreadyourwings
Summary: John receives a letter after Freddie's death.





	Letters Send My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, if you don't like sad things, don't read!  
> Another prompt migration.

There’s a neat envelope snuck under his bass which he had laid on an amp. Despite his shaking hands and queasy stomach, he steps nearer. He came to get the bass after all. The room feels heavy but empty with the presence no longer with them. John somehow knows who the sender of the letter is.

With another step, he can make out the familiar extravagant print. This is a letter meant to be hand delivered because all that’s written on the front is  _Deaky._ John wonders who was the bearer of the letter. Phoebe is most likely. Everything rebels in him, because he knows what a letter like this means. He spares a thought to Brian and Roger, he hopes they both get one, but at the same time, he hopes they don’t.

Brian is already fragile enough, and Roger manic in the effort to cope with everything. John worries about Brian, already so withdrawn. He’s still fighting for Freddie, but Brian looks nearly gray. Roger is quiet in his anger, but even John can see that one thing more will snap that exterior. Ideally, it won’t be Brian, but realistically, none of them created a support system for this.

Never one to be a coward, nervous though he may be, he reaches out to stroke against the print. The ink doesn’t smear, and he at least knows that this isn’t a prank. Or rather a spur of the moment idea. John turns it over to see that it was closed with a singular black sticker. At least he won’t have to damage the envelope, lest he wants to keep these words. They may rip his hearts to shreds, but this is the last new thing of Freddie he’ll ever be able to experience.

Inside is a singular page. The handwriting is shaky and sloppy and John knows that this must have been written during one of the bad days. As though Freddie was forced to ink the words to life. John swallows and moves over to the ratty couch, it’s been in the studio since he joined but they’ve turned down every offer to buy a new one.

> _Dearest John,_

He takes another deep breath and prepares himself.

> _As you know, being on time has truly never been a virtue of mine. I suppose it should be no different from explaining myself. Providing everything goes bleak as I imagine it will, there bears no repeating of the situation that has brought this letter into your possession. I will spare you that grief. Now to spare my heart in these last few moments._
> 
> _Although, it does feel like a betrayal in a way, of Jim. I love that man wholly and without restraint, but then I have loved you the same way since I have met you._

John rereads the paragraph several times. The words can’t be misunderstood but John feels as though he is. There’s no way that Freddie could have because that means… he pushes himself to read on.

> _It seems foolish to say it now. Perhaps even selfish, but I could not go into that good night or whatever it is they’re calling it without informing you. There was no exact moment in which I thought “I love him,” but rather a presence within my heart that I’ve known since you uttered that first syllable in my presence. If I were less dedicated to Queen, I perhaps would have asked you to be mine._
> 
> _There were plenty of times that I thought about damming it to hell and sweeping you into my arms._
> 
> _Then I stopped myself with the reminder that it would tear down Queen. For as little as I care about others’ opinions of me, I do know that in the music industry they matter. It would not have been fair to you or Brian or Roger, regardless of how supportive I know they would have been and how slim of a chance there was of you saying yes._
> 
> _So, I lived in silence. Loved others. Loved you._
> 
> _I loved Roger and Brian, but differently._

John still doesn’t know if Roger and Brian need to get a letter like this. When he opened it he hoped for closure, but instead, all he’s getting is questions. Never would he dream of leaving Veronica, especially after she gave him children, but in those early days, before her. He wonders if they could have been something.

> _Do not think that I had a shortage of love, there were just times when it was too hard to see it through the hurt._
> 
> _To regret something is something I don’t want to experience. I don’t regret not telling you of m feeling, but I do wonder what would have happened if I had the courage to call after you when you left rehearsals._
> 
> _I know my time is short now, and I don’t regret how I’ve spent the time I’ve had._
> 
> _With My Entire Heart,_
> 
> _Freddie Mercury_

John sobs, careful to pull the paper away from the path of the dripping tears. He drops it on the table and doubles over. Heaving gasps leave his throats in ways they haven’t since his father died. It’s not the sentiment Freddie expressed in the letters, aside from the wonderment of what they could have done, but the fact that he’ll never get to ask Freddie about it directly. Maybe he could have loved Freddie Mercury differently.

It only hits him harder to know that Freddie is gone, and no power on this earth can bring him back. John tugs harder at his hair. He needs this, he’s held it in ever since that phone call, he’ll get the worst of it out now and then cry silently tomorrow in the church that’s going to have wonderful acoustics and the only thing he’s going to think about is how Freddie’s voice could own the room.

“No,” he stutters, “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

His hands drop to his lips and he bows his head. It mocks a prayer because he deeply believes that no higher power would ever cause this much pain without reason.

“Not now.”

_Not ever._

**Author's Note:**

> As always leave your thoughts and comments below!


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